The creation of a New Deal: The fallout of a meltdown.

I would like to begin by apologizing to all those who will be negatively affected by the decisions that I have made in the preceding week, or confused by the following statements. I will explain the apology in more detail after you have walked with me through my innermost logic. Don't worry; I'm not going to inflict any tragedies upon myself, or upon any others. However, I have come to a moment of clarity in my life in which I have realized that I am unhappy. My current unhappiness has many different components, some of which I cannot change, but my most hindering component of unhappiness I have some control over and I intend on changing it to the best of my ability. In summation, I have decided that I am going to strive to create, which is an action that has defined me since I was a child.

Since I have been able to hold a pencil and scrawl on a pad of paper I have created. I believe that it is the intention of humanity to be drawn towards creation - it is what we do whether by our monuments to capitalism or by the miracle of reproduction. I also believe that humanity, as self-involved as we all are, would like nothing more than to create an ideal. Perhaps this is why I am unhappy. Maybe the reason I am unhappy is because I have created an ideal for myself that I cannot achieve. Paradoxically, maybe through creating an ideal I have created. Therefore, I should be happy, but alas, I am not. This paradox had baffled me and to go forward I needed to understand why by creating an ideal I was not satisfied. In an effort to understand what will make me happy I needed to define what ideal I had created. My ideal is not to merely create, but to be able to create and to sustain a work/life balance that is modest and allows for my family and myself to live comfortably. With this ideal in mind, I should be happy with anything that I create as long as I am able to be comfortable. In fact, one could argue that I had created this ideal with a sustainable work/life balance, while living in Phoenix. I had a decent job, which was for the most part non-stressful. I lived in a climate that was at times unbearable, but with that being said there is not a perfect climate anywhere - save for maybe San Diego, California. In addition, I lived seizure-free - and yes for those keeping score, these recurring seizures have had an affect on my psyche and my usual resolute stability. In fact, I have begun to question whether or not my ability to obtain financial gains within the minor amount of time I have during my major earning years will be able to support myself and my family in the years to come - especially concerning health issues. However, and I apologize for veering off track - remember you are walking through my thoughts and they are muddled - I did not obtain this ideal in Phoenix. I was still unhappy, because I was not creating what I wanted to create.

Thus, I am left at my decision. I need to be able to create what I want - as selfish as it sounds. I need to be able to sustain my health - and through capitalism, it must be by financial gain. Most importantly, I need to be able to reach my ideal in a healthy manner. Given these three decisions and my ideal situation I need to regain my usual resolute stability and buckle down. I need to take life for what it is worth. I cannot search for any creative solution or deeper meaning. Instead I need to allow my creativity to guide my projects, I need my stability to be able to sustain my health, and I need a definite guide by which to complete my creations in order to meet my ideal.

To be able to create what I want in my specified medium, my wife and I had decided the other day what steps I must take to do so:

1. Define my project.
2. Define my timetable.
3. Make people aware of my project.
4. Finish my project.
5. Produce my project.
6. Make contacts for my project.
7. Make contacts for future projects.
8. Obtain the title of "creator".

Now for the continuation of the aforementioned apology.

In order to arrive at my ideal I will need to become even more reclusive and resolute in finishing my projects and therefore will have less time for trivial matters. Instead of watching the Twins game EVERY NIGHT, I will draw, write, brainstorm, and research. Mind you, I will leave time for associating with my friends and family. However, I will have a definite timetable that I need to adhere to and in an effort to make myself happy, I need to be able to have everybody supporting me. Christ, this sounds like a plea for help, but it isn't. I am merely asking everyone to bear with me over the next however long it takes me to reach my ideal.

Of course, there is always the speculation that I may not reach my ideal. However, at the very least, I can try. If I don't try to strive for what has defined me since I was young, then life doesn't seem to make much sense.